the lost man chronicles

what's new

A friend recently asked me, “what’s new?” and not thinking too swiftly, I gave the patent “not much” answer. But then it occurred to me that actually recently there have been a few things to convey including: I grew six inches (taller), I won the lottery (“What? You didn’t see me on TV?”), People Magazine wants to put me on the cover as this year’s “Sexiest Man Alive,” I found out that I have royal (radioactive) blood and I’m in line to be the next prince of Monaco, the CIA is asking me to come out of retirement, Arnold wants me to come back to Kalifornia and serve as the state’s physical fitness spokesman (as well as his personal trainer), The Donald keeps calling me to ask who he should fire next (even though I’ve told him already I don’t watch the show, “yeah, but, but….”), my neighbors want to rename the block after me, Cock-a-doodle-doo! I’m making a concerted effort to be less cocky (less crowing, less poking my head at people), I’ve built Devil’s Mountain in my living room with dirt from the backyard (actually, it looks more like a volcano), I turned down an offer to serve as president of the Company (just don’t have the time—yoga in the morning, Tango lessons on Tuesdays, howling at the moon on Thursdays…), I was almost abducted my aliens (except, they were going this way, and I was going that way, so…), I’ve found myself (and boy does it feel good), I’ve been invited to become a deity (training starts in June), and Mom still thinks I’m the sweetest boy in the world.

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