the lost man chronicles
the daily chronicle
a lament (something less than tragic)
Sometimes (okay, now) I feel like I’m dying inside.
Usually, I’m inclined otherwise—happy, positive, bright as can be.
Alas, not now. My soul, somehow, feels heavily empty. Tired and worn by the sheer weight of the balanced, so-called “perfect” life.
I suppose all the regaling of tales of wanderlust from new friends tends to get me down, for I too have long yearned to wander so carefree and freely.
But, lo and behold, I earned my degrees, and eventually, after successfully completing the sacraments of the common man and (t)his mediocre life—here I am, homebound, and going nowhere fast.
Alas, to sulk, I purchased and ate two bags (3.5 oz) of nuts, almost 50 grams of fat in all and 500 mg of sodium.
I work very hard to not be a glutton and maintain my health, but as I was feeling low I just let it al go and decided impetuously that I would pay the price of my indiscretion later.
My hapless demeanor is funny, quite the folly, isn’t it? Certainly, something less than tragic.
You’d think I’d be more grateful for this good and quiet life of mine. After all, I’m immensely healthy, in the best shape I’ve been in over ten years (fit, trim, slim—it tickles me to say those words now); happy (most of the time); blind to other’s inane rules and often delusional about my own great and grand fate; I’ve known and continue to greet and meet (albeit not-so openly) many wonderful people; sufficiently solvent, no unmanageable debts to pay; and yet, in a very real way—I am sad.
Perhaps, it is because I desire…and I wish and I want and I am taunted by forces within that tell me, even if I know its not true, that I—need—more.
More freedom, more mobility, more travel and adventure, more experience, more danger and excitement and whimsical decisions that throw caution to the wind (more bags of nuts), and essentially more thrills found elsewhere.
Or maybe, actually, it’s really that I need less.
I confess that if I had Love to occupy my thoughts, my time and my imagination right now, I might be otherwise sentimentally inclined, happily resigned to this wonderful life.
(laughing to myself)
Hell, I’d take just a little lust even, if only for a moment.
“I'm shakin' the dust of this crummy little town off my feet and I'm gonna see the world. Italy, Greece, the Parthenon, the Coliseum. Then, I'm comin' back here to go to college and see what they know. And then I'm gonna build things. I'm gonna build airfields, I'm gonna build skyscrapers a hundred stories high, I'm gonna build bridges a mile long...”
~ George Bailey, It's a Wonderful Life
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